Imagine your child is devastated because their friend didn't play with them at recess, or they're furious because their sibling got the bigger slice of cake. Instinctively, you might jump in to try to "fix" the situation. After all, who likes to see their child upset? 

But raising mentally strong kids isn't about shielding them from every challenge — it's about teaching them to handle challenges. One of the best ways to build mental strength is to allow children to take responsibility for their emotions. 

As I explain in my book, "13 Things Mentally Strong Parents Don't Do," it's natural to want to protect your child from discomfort. But when parents take on the responsibility of managing their child's feelings for them, they unintentionally rob their kids of the chance to develop essential skills to cope with life's ups and downs.

Instead of learning to work through disappointment or frustration on their own, they learn to rely on others to make those tough feelings go away. 

Kids need the opportunity to practice coping with uncomfortable emotions. So give guidance, but don't do the work for them. Letting kids take charge of their feelings — with your coaching — shapes them into strong, capable individuals.

What to avoid: Don't become your child's 'emotional manager'

Over-managing emotions often starts with good intentions, but it quickly becomes a pattern that's hard to break — one that's harmful to kids' long-term mental health. Children who don't learn to self-regulate are more likely to struggle with anxiety, impulsivity, and even social difficulties, studies show. 

If you're taking on the role of "emotional manager," that might mean you're:

• Cheering them up immediately. You do everything in your power to distract your child when they're upset — cracking jokes or giving them a special treat. While it works short-term, it teaches your child to avoid uncomfortable emotions instead of dealing with them. 
• Jumping in to calm them down. The moment they start crying, you step in to soothe them. While comforting is part of being a parent, always stepping in right away can hinder their ability to learn self-soothing techniques. 
• Intervening too soon. If your child expresses frustration while they're playing or when they make a mistake, do you rush in to mediate before they have a chance to work things out? This can prevent them from developing problem-solving skills.

What kids gain from taking charge of their own feelings

Having strong emotional regulation skills doesn't mean kids won't feel sad, angry, or frustrated — that's part of being human. But they'll be better equipped to handle life's challenges independently. They'll have: 

• Better problem-solving skills: They'll stay calmer under pressure, which helps them think clearly and solve problems effectively. 
• Stronger relationships: They'll be more likely to express their feelings in healthy ways and better equipped to recognize how their friends feel, making them easier to get along with and teaching them how to build stronger friendships. 
• Better academic performance: Studies have shown that emotional regulation is linked to better productivity and success in the classroom. 
• Reduced risk of anxiety and depression: When kids learn to process big feelings early on, research shows they're less likely to develop anxiety or depression later in life. 

How to teach kids to regulate their emotions

Helping your child take charge of their feelings isn't about being a "hands-off" parent. It's about being a supportive presence who believes in their ability to handle life's emotional rollercoaster. 

By stepping back and allowing your child to face their emotions, you're fostering the kind of inner strength that sets them up for success in all areas of life. 

Here's how to do it:

1. Model healthy coping skills

Kids learn by watching the adults around them. When you're feeling overwhelmed, show your child how you handle it. Say things like, "I'm feeling a little frustrated, so I'm going to take a deep breath to calm down." 

Demonstrating these habits helps them better understand emotions and shows them they can take charge of their feelings. 

2. Normalize tough feelings 

Make sure your child knows it's okay to feel sad, angry, or scared. Rather than viewing these emotions as "bad," teach them to see them as signals. 

For example, you could say, "It's normal to feel sad when something doesn't go the way we wanted. That's our brain's way of telling us we really cared about it." 

3. Encourage problem-solving 

When your child faces an emotional hurdle, don't rush to solve it for them. Instead, guide them through it. 

Try saying, "I can see you're really upset right now. What do you think we can do to make the situation better?" They may not have all the answers at first, but with time, they'll get there. 

4. Teach emotional skills 

Help your child build an emotional skills toolbox to manage their feelings. Depending on their age and preferences, this might include deep breathing, drawing, journaling, or taking a short walk. Practice these techniques together so they become second nature. 

5. Validate feelings while teaching socially appropriate behavior 

When your child is having a meltdown, you can acknowledge their emotions while maintaining boundaries around behavior. If they're disrupting or hurting others, you can use a phrase like, "It's okay to feel upset, but not okay to act this way."

From there, you can redirect them to coping methods they've been working on. For example, say, "I can see you're feeling frustrated right now. That's okay. What calming tool do you think would help?" This approach shows empathy while reinforcing their independence. 

6. Recognize and praise their progress 

When you notice your child managing their emotions independently, celebrate it.

Say things like, "I like the way you took a break when you were angry," or "I'm glad you could tell me you feel nervous about that test. Great job." 

Positive reinforcement goes a long way in helping them keep it up.

Amy Morin is a psychotherapist, clinical social worker and instructor at Northeastern University. She is the author of several books including "13 Things Strong Kids Do: Think Big, Feel Good, Act Brave" and "13 Things Mentally Strong Parents Don't Do." Her TEDx talk "The Secret of Becoming Mentally Strong" is one of the most viewed talks of all time. Follow her on Instagram and Facebook.

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