Is it OK to invite just 1 twin to a kids' birthday party? An expert settles the heated debate

Twin mom Kristen Fox did a double take when she opened a birthday party invite addressed to only one of her daughters. 

Jayna made the cut. But where was her identical twin sister Kinsley? Surely, it had to be a mistake.  

“I’m staring at the guest list and thinking, ‘There’s no way. How could this have happened?'" Fox tells TODAY, noting that Jayna and Kinsley, both 5, are in same preschool class. 

“Everything inside of me said, this just isn’t right,’” Fox, 37, says. "It broke my heart. They're five."

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Later that day, when Fox shared her conundrum TikTok, she sparked a heated parenting debate.

“I feel like it’s an all or nothing situation,” Fox said in her now-viral video. “So either both are going to the party or none are going to the party.”

Fox added that she could not "think about the hurt" it would cause Kinsley if she knew she wasn't invited.

“Imagine the invited twin — ‘I can’t go to the bday bc my sister’s feelings are more important that mine.’ That’s the message being sent,” one person wrote in the comments.

Other reactions included: 

• “The invited twin goes to the party. They aren’t 2 halves of a whole, they are separate people with individual likes and friendships.”
• “I am a twin and I remember not being invited to a birthday party in the 6th grade but my twin was — i still remember the hurt I felt. I absolutely understand your response.”
• “Nope. They are allowed to have their own friends. It’s called building resilience and independence.”
• “Listen, I’m a strict, tough luck buttercup, type person. But at 5 and in the same class, I would never not invite both. I think you should ask her. She may not know they’re twins.”
• “My twins are 15 now — but no way at 5yr would I let 1 go without the other. Obviously as they get older, it’s different but DEFINITELY not 5!”

Etiquette expert Elaine Swann says parents should never feel obligated to invite both twins — no matter what age they are.

"This is the perfect opportunity for parents to help their twins foster independence from one another," Swann, founder of the Swann School of Protocol, tells TODAY.

For parents of twins who find themselves in a predicament like Fox’s, Swann says to use it as a teachable moment. The worst thing you can do is make it into a big deal.  

“You want to explain to them that they are individual people with different interests,” Swann says. “It’s a hard lesson, but it’s an important one.”

While one twin is at the party, Swann suggests bringing in reinforcements.

“Call your village, a grandma or an auntie or a godmother to do something special with the other twin, Swann says. “That way everyone has fun, and no one feels that they're being left out.”

Myka Meier, an etiquette expert from Beaumont Etiquette, agrees that parents aren't obligated to invite both twins to every party. But she tells TODAY.com one caveat: “I think if it would potentially cause hurt to one child, it’s worth it to just invite them both.” 

Much to Fox’s relief, the exclusion turned out to be an Evite glitch, but she’s not backing down on her "all or nothing" stance. 

“When they’re in separate classes, I don’t expect them to both be invited,” Fox says. “But at five, you should be inviting both.”

This story first appeared on TODAY.com. More from TODAY:

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